Mach 1 Club

Full Version: Collection of One-Liner Jokes
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A former co-worked of mine is a retired Air Force Colonel. He is aways sending me jokes so I thought I would share these. Most are from famous talk show hosts or columnists about current events.

First John Edwards had an illegitimate child with a staff member, so did Arnold Schwarzenegger, and now one of France's top politicians, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, is in jail for raping a maid. If politicians are not careful, people are going to start thinking they're sleazy. (Alex Kaseberg)


Obama was in England, where the queen suggested that we go back to the pre-1776 borders. (Jay Leno)


The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, "Hey, it's not the end of the world!" (Conan O'Brien)


Harold Camping, the preacher who predicted that the world would end on May 21, issued the following brief statement: "The world doesn't end this week. Oprah does. My bad, sry." (Andy Borowitz)


So much for Harold Camping's prediction that the world would end on May 21, 2011. Here's ours: right in the middle of the pitcher's windup -- when the Cubs are one strike away from winning the World Series. (Dwight Perry)


IMF president Dominique Strauss-Kahn was denied bail in New York Tuesday and charged with sexual assault. They said he came out of his hotel shower naked and had unwanted sex with the chambermaid. If convicted he could get four to eight years as California governor. (Argus Hamilton)


On her last show, Oprah gave the audience her personal email address and told them to keep in touch. Then she added, "Nobody give that to Dr. Phil." (Conan O'Brien)


Oprah ended her final show yesterday by saying, "I won't say goodbye, I'll just say, until we meet again." Incidentally, that's also what Lindsay Lohan says whenever she leaves court. (Jimmy Fallon)


Republican candidate, Rick Santorum, said John McCain does not understand torture as well as he does. Sure, McCain was brutally tortured everyday in a Viet Cong prison camp for over 5 years, but Santorum had to endure rush week at the Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity at Penn State. (Alex Kaseberg)


President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed. (Jay Leno)


A source says that New York City Police officers have been fixing tickets for celebrities. Apparently any celebrities who want to get away with murder still have to move to Los Angeles. (Jim Barach)


Dick Cheney is publishing a memoir. He's very thorough, and to get all of the facts for his book, he actually had to waterboard himself. (David Letterman)


The TSA ran a fake bomb through the Minneapolis Airport security checkpoint Thursday in a drill. The screener found the bomb and notified the police, who didn't know it was just a drill so they shut down the airport. Now that bin Laden is dead we have to be our own enemy. (Argus Hamilton)


Al Qaeda has been plotting attacks against oil tankers and refineries for years. Thank goodness that never happened. The price of gas would have skyrocketed. (Jay Leno)


President Obama offered $1 billion to Egypt to boost the creation of new jobs. And if that works, they're going to try it here. (Jimmy Fallon)